i shouldn't let petty things/people get to me but..

F' that crap grrrr i am so so so mad right now this girl that use to be one of my best friends is accussing me of abussing my children and not being greatful for them i am very greatful that i can conceive such beautiful life yes my son does push me to my limits from time to time because he is as stubborn as me and yes i lose my temper some times but i have never raised my hand in anger to him nor would i some of my parenting may seem harsh to some yes i do spank my child but he has a padded pull up on and i don't spank that hard but if you took care of my child you would see time outs and taking toys away don't work with him. but look at him he has no bruise that he hasn't caused himself ( like his mom he bruises easy and is accident prone and he is also a boy and likes to jump off of everything but i don't need to explain to anyone) he is happy well fed and has more then he will ever need he is spoiled rotten and so is my baby. she said she hopes someone calls cps on me go for call cps there is nothing they will find. it makes me laugh that ever since she had her daughter last year she thinks sh can critisize everything everyone else does with their children just because you have A child doesn't mean you know everything i have 3 and know very little they teach me something new every day. on top of this she called me a 'sh*tty friend" umm no you lived in my house for 200$ i could have easily rented my house to someone else for 4 times that, i have constantly tried to be there for her but she refused to let me and shut me down. she wasn't there for me when i lost my pregnancies nor did she even try to be. anyways grrrrrrr this is yet another reason why i only let a few people get close to me.

growing up

ater a short conversation with an old "friend" today i have realized i have "grown up" and changed so much. my senior year of high school and the year after i was a huge partier and i was dow nto do just about anything. i never got heavy into drugs but poke the smot and popped pills for a good time but after i got pregnant with Kayden things really got pulled into perspective for me. i am pretty striaght edge these days i have an occasional drink. yea lame i know but looking back i really don't see the point in the drugs and being that stupid drunk. but not only having my boys changed my out look but watching people around me go to jail for doing harder drugs or killing themselves with it or killing other people just makes it that more clear to me that it doesn't need to be part of my life. i'm not anti all drugs if you wanna smoke pot go for it, its not gonna ruin your life. i just choose not to live my life that way any more. anyways i'm not really sure where i am going with this post but i know i am not 'cool" and guess what i don't care my family and friends love me anyways thats all that matters

my boys :) <3

ex's and baby daddies

I have to many of them and because I have lived in this damn town for so long I run into a few of them quite often. Let's start with my first serious boyfriend I was 15 he was 18 he changed my life in many ways that at this time I choose not to discuss at this time. We had a pretty bad falling out and he dissapeared out of my life for 8 years I had all but forgotten about him we he came back into my life via myspace he told me he still had feelings for me after all this time which floored me because in the end it was so bad. He has since then faded into the background yet again. After him was my second longest relationship I thought this one was the one but his mother hated me fo some reason I still am not 100% sure of and she caused us to drift apart after almost 2 years. We stayed friends for a few years after then he just stopped talking to me and still to this day refusses to talk to me even though he is friends with my husband(odd story there haha). After him were a string of short relationships that never worked because they couldn't live up to him. Then my senior year I got involved with the biggest regret of my life this guy used me and got me into a very bad situation(yet another post later down the road) I dropped him like a bad habbit and moved to Idaho. Yet another string of very short not even relationships then on my 19th birthday I met Kayden's dad I thought that man walked on water (you can read my previous post for that one) I still care for him very deeply its hard not to he gave me a beautiful child and he knows me better than anyone else in this world(my husband is coming very close to knowing me that well after 4 years) although I do still love him I know he is not good for me we are great friends but horrible partners we know eachother TOO well and its hasardous for our health. After that I got with a childhood friend and almost married him until I found out what he was really like( no paticence and a theif) Kayden never liked him I should have realized it was a sign because last year I found out this man went to prison for child porn ( this makes me sick to know he was around my child). Then next came a relatioship that caused a lot of mental health problems he was/is a pathalogical liar but Kayden adorred him. When we broke up he promised he would still come around for Kayden...he never did then he had the nerve to call me 1year after Kayden passed and stired up a bunch of memories( this is when my ptsd started) thank god he went back to prison (guess what for...lying) after him more short relationships then I met my husband in march of 2007. He was the best thing to happen to me at that time(sorry babe I love you with all my heart but. Our boys are the bestest ) we have been together just over 4 years now and haven't killed eachother yet :) despite all our ups and down. But he stood by me at my worsest so he deserves me at my best. Even though I have been done wrong a lot I wouldn't change it one bit it has made me a stronger(slightly more mental) person

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everything went banana sandwiches

So the last few years have been some major ups and downs for my family, friends and myself. The loss of children medical issues loss of friends(not having them anymore) finnancial issues and loss of jobs and so forth. Times have been alittle trying in our house but I can gladly say I see a light at the end of the tunnel. 2 and 1/2 years ago I was diganossed with sever social anxiety disorder with ptsd I was put on zoloft and sent to a therapist. I was very sceptical about all of this but looking back now it has helped so much getting to talk things out with an uninvolved 3rd party helped me release a lot of pent up feelings I was able to get over a lot of things that scared the shit out of me. 3 years ago if I had to call someone I didn't know I would have put it off until I appsolutly had to call, now I'm not fully over this but I have gotten to a point where I can make phone calls without crying first. I used to avoid going out in public by myself now not only do I go out by myself but I drag my tantrum throwing 3year old and my screaming 2 month old with me...and I survive :) on top of all this I haven't woken from a dead sleep from the horrible flash backs I use to have in over a year. I lost my job that i loved very much in january this year over here say. That was a blessing in disquise(sp?) I would have been taken out of work a few days after i was fired. But because i was fired over here say i got unemployment which has enabled me to stay home with my boys although im looking into getting my cna and going back to work a couple days a week.

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people make me sick

the title says it all i got a shocker today when i was at albertsons Bryan picked up the paper and says "look at this" there it was across the front page the cemetary Kayden is buried in had 200 graves vandalized after checking out i panicked and we drove up there ( thank god the cemetary isn't far i may have had a stroke) thank god Kayden's grave was untouched. i just can't believe people are so disrespectful of the dead head stones are not cheap either. not only that but some of the graves vandalized where older graves part of the history here! but karma is a bitch they will get theirs

life and other things

                 well here we are blog number two. last one was on my life experiences i think this one will be about my friends. i have watched and stood by many of my friends hard times. my best friend in high school got pregnant at 15 and the school tried to force her out but she stood strong had her baby and graduated high school. she was young for having a baby but she stepped up and was/is a great mom. a few years and 3 kids later (one year before i lost Kayden) she lost her 4 month old daughter to SIDS even through all  her grief she stayed strong for her boys she has since moved on to have another daughter and even took on a stepchild like he is her own. she has also been there for me in support and a shoulder to cry on since losing Kayden. we have been friends for 15 years now.
                  in my time working at Burger King i made two really good friends i mentioned them in my last blog about being there for me to rescue me from the hospital after Kayden died. i watched her go through a couple of sour relationships and i watched him deal with one really drama filled one then they found each other :) they have been so good for one another. about a year after Kayden passed away he had some complications from diabetes and eventually went blind and she was there for him every step of the way. i even got the privilege to be in their wedding. i do miss the times we had at Cattins with the sub par food and good conversations.. aah the good ol days.
                 then there is my friend from Idaho.  she has dealt with her share of crappy "baby daddies" and an abusive marriage, family dramas and children with instabilities. she stays very busy supporting her 6 kids and often time anyone in need she has such a big heart that she takes in people in need and alot of the time it ends up biting her in the butt. she is such a good soul she would give you the shirt off your back if she thought you needed it.
                i may not have alot of friends but the few friends i do have i am very close with and consider them like family i just wish i spent more time with them than i did but they all have their own families to take care of.. if you all are reading this i love you all very much and appreciate everything you have ever done for me.
                 as for life i woke up to a very happy baby today. seeing those little smiles makes everything worth it. i can't believe how fast he is growing and changing already. in 10 days he will be 2 months old! it seems like only yesterday my water broke. but that is another post all together.

getting started

well this is my first blog so bare with me. i'll start off by introducing myself Hi my name is Mandi i am 26 years old but i am told i have an old soul. i was born in nevada i have lived in alaska montana and idaho i have spent a majority of my life in montana. I have been through more in the last 7 years then most people my age. in 2004 I moved to Pocatello Idaho to go to college to become a sign launguage interperator. well i hit a big bump in the road being only 18 and never been more than a few miles from my parents i enjoyed the freedom on my 19th birthday i met a man named patrick and it changed my life forever although i didn't know it until a few months later i became pregnant. Patrick and I had a very rocky relationship when it was good it was great but when it was bad it was really bad we argued alot and after 3 months it became physical one day and i left him. I ended up neglecting my classes because of this relationship. In May i met my now Best friend April i moved into her home to help her with her two boys and it ended up being one of the best things to happen to me, i have only met a few other people as true and dependable as her. In july i found out i was 4 months pregnant after they sent me to an ultrasound. At the ultrasound i instantly knew something was wrong the tech was very quiet and kept walking out of the room, finally she brought my dr. in and they explained to me that i need to go to a bigger hospital for a more detailed ultrasound because my baby's organs where not in the places they should be and they thought the baby might have a heart problem. i was crushed not only because there was something very wrong with my baby, being pregnant at 19 but because i knew this child was Patricks. we had not spoken since May and i knew it would be hard for me to talk to him. i got ahold of his brother and found out Patrick was staying with him which was right across the street from where i lived with April. we met up and i told him about the baby and all the problems he agreed to come to Salt lake with me to have the extensive ultrasound done. when he hadthe ultrasound in Salt Lake we found out we where having a boy but we also found out he had a very complicated heart defect along with heterotaxia. we(Patrick April and I) were pulled into a room and a dr. and genetic consuler came in and explained exactly what was wrong with our son and told us they could fix it and he would probably have surgery soon after birth. they sent us on our way with a game plan of me being flown out to Salt lake when i went into labor and a mind full of large medical terms t mull over. that night in our hotel room there where alot of tears and acceptance. Patrick and I decided to try to get back together for our son because we both knew we wouldneed each others support to get through everything. we got along well until October when a fight turned physical again i broke down and called my parents i knew i had to go home back to montana at this point i didn't havea car atthetime so my aunt that lived 2 hours away came and got me and i stayed with them for a month until my uncle could get time off to drive me back to montana. 4 days after i got back to montana i had an appointment to meet with the high risk ob gyn i had an ultrasound done and an hour into it the dr. comes in and very somberly tells me " i think this baby needs to be born today" i panicked i was only 34 weeks i wan't ready for this yet. they hooked me up to oxygen and an iv and did an NST which during this my son flat lined 6 times soon i heard sirens they ambulanced me over to the hospital( which was only 1/2 block away kind of silly to ambulance me that short of distance but i guess they felt it was needed) with in 45 mins i was preped for surgery and waiting for the dr. ( i have learned this man will be late for his own funeral) after he arrived it was only a couple short minutes i heard a very small cry that sounded more like a kitten meowing Kayden was born at 142pm the nurse brought him over quickly i got to kiss him then he was gone my mom sat with me while they stiched me up and moved me to recovery when i got back to my room my ob gyn came in sat on my bed and started crying. he had some pictures of my son for me he said he was doing quick well for all his problems but then he told me don't get attached he is probably goingto die in the next 72 hours. i was floored i couldn't believe a doctor would say that especially since i was told by the heart dr. he would be okay. they wouldn't let me see him that night( i found out just resently that he had to be resesitated and this is why i couldn't seem him but they didn't tell me that) they brought me all his stats later that evening he was 4lbs 7oz and 17inches long and had a head full of jet black hair ( we still joke about this as i am a red head and dad has light brown hair) after lunch the next day i was allowed to see him i couldn;t believe how small he was and he had so many tubes and wires attached to him the nurse asked me if i wanted to change his diaper but i was to scared but i learned over the next few weeks they may be little but they aren't breakable. he spent 5 weeks in the NICU and amased the doctors with how determined he was to get better he was able to stay healthy enough to put off his heart surgery until he was 5 months old. while in the NICU we found out he didn't havea galbladder and had 3 spleens( this was later diagnosed as Ivermark's syndrom) he was put into speech and physical therapy right away his therapist are some of the most amazing people i have met they were so helpful with everything. when Kayden was 5 months old we flew down to Salt lake and he had his surgery but 2 hours after the surgery his stiches pulled through and they had to go back in and re do it he was so swollen up they had to leave his chest open for a week after his surgery it took him a month to fully recovery but the whole time you wouldn't have known he had had surgery he was all smiles and flirts with his female nurses. then after a month we came back home at 8 months old he had to have a minor surgery for  a hernia. after that we just had to get him to grow he was only 9lbs at 8 months old he was my little guy his speech therapist tought him sign lanague and he got a walker to help him walk. he dasseled everyone he met at 9 months old he got to go to Idaho and meet his dad and Aunt April, and also again at a year and a half. but sadly on Jaunary 15th 2007 we lost him to complications from RSV we didn;t even know he was sick yet it filled his lungs and stopped his heart very quickly my dad watched him take his last breath. sadly i was at work and he was already gone by the time i got to the hospital. i was glad i had two very good friends Ed and Becky that dropped everything to be by myside that night they took me out and tried to keep my mind off of it. On January 24th 2007 i buired my baby boy on a beautiful plot under two pine trees. i was very glad to be sorrounded by good friends and family if it weren't for them i wouldn't have made it through. In March i met my now husband Bryan. soon after we met i became pregnant again. a bit of a shocker but the best thing for me. i moved to Helena to be with Bryan. this pregnacy was far from uneventful 4 months in i got gal stones and spent alot of time in the er for that at 19 weeks we found out we were having a boy i ended up haveing him early at 36 weeks because i developed per eclampsia.

Corbin was born at 242pm 7lbs 3oz and 21inches  he spent a week in the NICU because of swollowing amniotic fluid and because the doctor could figure out that he was lactouse intolerant. Corbin has been a really healthy kid. in march of 2008 we moved to Great Falls and stayed with my parents so we could get some money saved up to get our own place. in April i had my galbladder removed. in January we finally got our own appartment. in febuary we started trying to concive for baby #3 it took us until august to get pregnant but a short week after we found out i was pregnant we lost it( the doctor said i never was pregnant but 4 pregnancy tests don't lie) then we got pregnant again in February of 2010 i knew from the begining that something wasn't right with this one i was really really sick and at my 10 week appointment the baby was measuring 2 weeks off ( i knew that couldn't be right my cycles are always spot on) my ob gyn sent me to the hospital to get a more detailed ultrasound the tech wouldn't tell us anything and sent us on our way the next day i started having really bad back pain i went in to the er thinking i had a kidney stone or something they gave me pain meds and sent me o nmy way saying oh you are probably having a misscarriage. that was it no exam nothing that night i pasted a couple large clots but nothng else then i woke up the next morning in horrible pain so back to the er i went they did blood work and confirmed a misscarriage gave me more pain meds and sent me on my way i started bleeding that night the next afternoon i was in so much pain even after taking the pain meds that my husband and to pick me up off the floor and carry me to the car back to the er they gave me morphine and did an ultrasound yup for sure misscarriage they gave me more pain meds and sent me on my way i went home and slept all day then the next moring i started bleeding really bad and the pain was so bad i was throwing up we got to the er i was sitting on a towel i was bleeding so bad they made me wait out in the waiting room for 2 hours by the time they got me back i was going into schock they were going to send me home with more pain meds but my husband got my ob gyn to come in and she did a pelvic excam and discovered the baby was stuck in my cervix ( hence all the pain) she said i would  have most likly not have passed the baby on my own. ittook me a week to get back on my feet after that misshap. we got pregnant again pretty quickly in july this pregnancy was alot smoother than my other two i had no problems until i was 6 months then i started having mild pre term labor and was put on modified bed rest and meds to stop the contractions baby had some dialated kidneys for a short time but it corrected itself before he was born at 21 weeks we found out we were expecting another boy ( mom was alittle sad at first but i am very glad to have another boy i think brother is too :)) we had a scheduled c section for apirl 19th but i woke up at 8am on april 11th stood up out of bed and felt a big gush i looked down and the fluid was bright yellow i thought " great i peed myself" so i went to the bathroom to get cleaned p but when i turned around there was a large trail of fluid i knew there was no way it was all pee. i went to labor and delivery it took two nurses and finally the doctor on call to decided it indeed was amniotic fluid my son had had a bowel movement and it caused the fluid test to come up negative.

at 203pm Colin was born 8lbs 4.4oz 20 inches. he spent 2 days in the NICU for swollowing meconium but has been pretty healthy. today we took Colin in to the pediactric cadiologiest to get an echo done because his pediatrition heard a heart murmur. we found that he has a bicuspid aortic valve not to serious but something that has to be watched over time and because this one is genetic Corbin my husband and myself have to get ultrasounds to make sure we don't have it as well. well that is my hectic life to date.