i shouldn't let petty things/people get to me but..

F' that crap grrrr i am so so so mad right now this girl that use to be one of my best friends is accussing me of abussing my children and not being greatful for them i am very greatful that i can conceive such beautiful life yes my son does push me to my limits from time to time because he is as stubborn as me and yes i lose my temper some times but i have never raised my hand in anger to him nor would i some of my parenting may seem harsh to some yes i do spank my child but he has a padded pull up on and i don't spank that hard but if you took care of my child you would see time outs and taking toys away don't work with him. but look at him he has no bruise that he hasn't caused himself ( like his mom he bruises easy and is accident prone and he is also a boy and likes to jump off of everything but i don't need to explain to anyone) he is happy well fed and has more then he will ever need he is spoiled rotten and so is my baby. she said she hopes someone calls cps on me go for call cps there is nothing they will find. it makes me laugh that ever since she had her daughter last year she thinks sh can critisize everything everyone else does with their children just because you have A child doesn't mean you know everything i have 3 and know very little they teach me something new every day. on top of this she called me a 'sh*tty friend" umm no you lived in my house for 200$ i could have easily rented my house to someone else for 4 times that, i have constantly tried to be there for her but she refused to let me and shut me down. she wasn't there for me when i lost my pregnancies nor did she even try to be. anyways grrrrrrr this is yet another reason why i only let a few people get close to me.

growing up

ater a short conversation with an old "friend" today i have realized i have "grown up" and changed so much. my senior year of high school and the year after i was a huge partier and i was dow nto do just about anything. i never got heavy into drugs but poke the smot and popped pills for a good time but after i got pregnant with Kayden things really got pulled into perspective for me. i am pretty striaght edge these days i have an occasional drink. yea lame i know but looking back i really don't see the point in the drugs and being that stupid drunk. but not only having my boys changed my out look but watching people around me go to jail for doing harder drugs or killing themselves with it or killing other people just makes it that more clear to me that it doesn't need to be part of my life. i'm not anti all drugs if you wanna smoke pot go for it, its not gonna ruin your life. i just choose not to live my life that way any more. anyways i'm not really sure where i am going with this post but i know i am not 'cool" and guess what i don't care my family and friends love me anyways thats all that matters

my boys :) <3

ex's and baby daddies

I have to many of them and because I have lived in this damn town for so long I run into a few of them quite often. Let's start with my first serious boyfriend I was 15 he was 18 he changed my life in many ways that at this time I choose not to discuss at this time. We had a pretty bad falling out and he dissapeared out of my life for 8 years I had all but forgotten about him we he came back into my life via myspace he told me he still had feelings for me after all this time which floored me because in the end it was so bad. He has since then faded into the background yet again. After him was my second longest relationship I thought this one was the one but his mother hated me fo some reason I still am not 100% sure of and she caused us to drift apart after almost 2 years. We stayed friends for a few years after then he just stopped talking to me and still to this day refusses to talk to me even though he is friends with my husband(odd story there haha). After him were a string of short relationships that never worked because they couldn't live up to him. Then my senior year I got involved with the biggest regret of my life this guy used me and got me into a very bad situation(yet another post later down the road) I dropped him like a bad habbit and moved to Idaho. Yet another string of very short not even relationships then on my 19th birthday I met Kayden's dad I thought that man walked on water (you can read my previous post for that one) I still care for him very deeply its hard not to he gave me a beautiful child and he knows me better than anyone else in this world(my husband is coming very close to knowing me that well after 4 years) although I do still love him I know he is not good for me we are great friends but horrible partners we know eachother TOO well and its hasardous for our health. After that I got with a childhood friend and almost married him until I found out what he was really like( no paticence and a theif) Kayden never liked him I should have realized it was a sign because last year I found out this man went to prison for child porn ( this makes me sick to know he was around my child). Then next came a relatioship that caused a lot of mental health problems he was/is a pathalogical liar but Kayden adorred him. When we broke up he promised he would still come around for Kayden...he never did then he had the nerve to call me 1year after Kayden passed and stired up a bunch of memories( this is when my ptsd started) thank god he went back to prison (guess what for...lying) after him more short relationships then I met my husband in march of 2007. He was the best thing to happen to me at that time(sorry babe I love you with all my heart but. Our boys are the bestest ) we have been together just over 4 years now and haven't killed eachother yet :) despite all our ups and down. But he stood by me at my worsest so he deserves me at my best. Even though I have been done wrong a lot I wouldn't change it one bit it has made me a stronger(slightly more mental) person

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everything went banana sandwiches

So the last few years have been some major ups and downs for my family, friends and myself. The loss of children medical issues loss of friends(not having them anymore) finnancial issues and loss of jobs and so forth. Times have been alittle trying in our house but I can gladly say I see a light at the end of the tunnel. 2 and 1/2 years ago I was diganossed with sever social anxiety disorder with ptsd I was put on zoloft and sent to a therapist. I was very sceptical about all of this but looking back now it has helped so much getting to talk things out with an uninvolved 3rd party helped me release a lot of pent up feelings I was able to get over a lot of things that scared the shit out of me. 3 years ago if I had to call someone I didn't know I would have put it off until I appsolutly had to call, now I'm not fully over this but I have gotten to a point where I can make phone calls without crying first. I used to avoid going out in public by myself now not only do I go out by myself but I drag my tantrum throwing 3year old and my screaming 2 month old with me...and I survive :) on top of all this I haven't woken from a dead sleep from the horrible flash backs I use to have in over a year. I lost my job that i loved very much in january this year over here say. That was a blessing in disquise(sp?) I would have been taken out of work a few days after i was fired. But because i was fired over here say i got unemployment which has enabled me to stay home with my boys although im looking into getting my cna and going back to work a couple days a week.

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people make me sick

the title says it all i got a shocker today when i was at albertsons Bryan picked up the paper and says "look at this" there it was across the front page the cemetary Kayden is buried in had 200 graves vandalized after checking out i panicked and we drove up there ( thank god the cemetary isn't far i may have had a stroke) thank god Kayden's grave was untouched. i just can't believe people are so disrespectful of the dead head stones are not cheap either. not only that but some of the graves vandalized where older graves part of the history here! but karma is a bitch they will get theirs

life and other things

                 well here we are blog number two. last one was on my life experiences i think this one will be about my friends. i have watched and stood by many of my friends hard times. my best friend in high school got pregnant at 15 and the school tried to force her out but she stood strong had her baby and graduated high school. she was young for having a baby but she stepped up and was/is a great mom. a few years and 3 kids later (one year before i lost Kayden) she lost her 4 month old daughter to SIDS even through all  her grief she stayed strong for her boys she has since moved on to have another daughter and even took on a stepchild like he is her own. she has also been there for me in support and a shoulder to cry on since losing Kayden. we have been friends for 15 years now.
                  in my time working at Burger King i made two really good friends i mentioned them in my last blog about being there for me to rescue me from the hospital after Kayden died. i watched her go through a couple of sour relationships and i watched him deal with one really drama filled one then they found each other :) they have been so good for one another. about a year after Kayden passed away he had some complications from diabetes and eventually went blind and she was there for him every step of the way. i even got the privilege to be in their wedding. i do miss the times we had at Cattins with the sub par food and good conversations.. aah the good ol days.
                 then there is my friend from Idaho.  she has dealt with her share of crappy "baby daddies" and an abusive marriage, family dramas and children with instabilities. she stays very busy supporting her 6 kids and often time anyone in need she has such a big heart that she takes in people in need and alot of the time it ends up biting her in the butt. she is such a good soul she would give you the shirt off your back if she thought you needed it.
                i may not have alot of friends but the few friends i do have i am very close with and consider them like family i just wish i spent more time with them than i did but they all have their own families to take care of.. if you all are reading this i love you all very much and appreciate everything you have ever done for me.
                 as for life i woke up to a very happy baby today. seeing those little smiles makes everything worth it. i can't believe how fast he is growing and changing already. in 10 days he will be 2 months old! it seems like only yesterday my water broke. but that is another post all together.